The Dirty Secret of Truly Terrible Kissing

You’ve been doing it wrong. Everything they ever told you about becoming a bad kisser was a lie. It’s not about practice. It’s not about form. It’s not about a creepy approach or acne or dog breath. Even limp fish lips aren’t guaranteed to light someone up with disphoria. The real secret to a bad kiss runs deeper than that.

Bad kissing is a skill, every bit as important as good kissing. Some even claim it’s more important. The ability to deliver disenchanting, relationship-ending (or preventing) kisses at will is a must-have in any single adult’s dating arsenal. Going into a relationship without being able to devastate it at the drop of a hammer is like going into war without nukes. Nobody in their right mind would do it.

Technique is too forced, too obvious. Practice is hard to repeat, and dog breath is unpredictable. Even creepy isn’t creepy if the other person likes it. In truth, most non-shallow people will put up with and even enjoy all the odd (and sometimes gross) variations of putting your lips together. So long as the love is there, pretty much anything could be a good kiss. And nothing is less than mediocre.

To give a truly horrific kiss, you need to think about nothing but yourself. Consume the moment with the desire for you. This kiss is yours, what you want, what you need, you getting what you deserve. Forget the person behind the other mouth; they need to become a mere object, a kissing machine. They owe this to you for everything you’ve done for them. Never let yourself wonder if they enjoy it. If you’ve learned to enjoy watching your insignificant other enjoy your kisses, get over it. Now it’s time for them to make you happy. Evaluate their kissing and judge them harshly, because this time they had better make it good. It’s the feelings, the desires that enable really horrible kissing.

When you have mastered this secret, you can–quite literally–suck the life out of a relationship in a matter of minutes. You’ll be shocked at how effective you are.

Some may disagree with me, but not many. Some of you have determined long ago that you have mastered the art of the bad kiss, when in fact you have not. Hard though it is to accept, you need to realize that you might have been good all along.