I’m not “Scared of Commitment”; I’m scared of you (and what to do about it)

Scared of Commitment. I’ve heard these words so often, they make me ill. The most nauseating part is that people seem to not understand the meaning of the words coming out of their mouths. For example:

• I’m sitting in a  kitchen full of girls as they begin to discuss why their roommate’s boyfriend hasn’t asked her to marry him yet. “He’s scared of commitment,” they say in a disparaging tone.
• The bishop takes his fifth Sunday lesson to call the guys out: “You’re scared of commitment. Go and do…”
• My friend explains to me, “I’m not married yet, because I’m just kind of scared of commitment.”

Commitment I can handle. What I can’t handle is pressure, guilt trips, demanding commitment before I’m ready to give it, demanding commitments without compromise, or widening the scope of existing commitments without asking me. In a true twist if irony, doing any of these things only makes me want to stick to my guns.

Anyone who honestly considers the gravity of making a big commitment should be scared of it. What will the commitment require of you? Do you have time to give? What other opportunities do you lose by making this commitment? What happens if you fail? Is this really what you want to do? These are all healthy questions an honest person should ask before making promises.

Seems we should be more concerned about people who aren’t scared of commitments.

In his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni explains that lack of commitment comes from fear of conflict, which comes from lack of trust. (Notice, he doesn’t blame defective personalities, bad preparation, bad teaching, or laziness.) But wait, doesn’t commitment create trust? Why would conflict improve a person’s willingness to commit?

A “commitment”  means surrendering your time, will, and energy to do what someone else wants. But most people already have plans. When two people want apparently incompatible things, conflict ensues. If you want someone to make a commitment to you without giving them the opportunity to explain what they’re giving up, you’re dreaming.

But, if you want someone to grow more committed to you (and love and trust you besides), encourage good conflict. Take the first risk and tell them exactly what you want. Encourage them to tell you what they want, and do not make them feel guilty about it. Acknowledge their right to want something different and talk about it together. Sometimes they will make a sacrifice for you, but since you’ve engaged in the conflict you will be prepared to acknowledge the value of that sacrifice. Because you appreciate the sacrifice as a gift–not an obligation–you will love them for it. And they will love you back instead of resenting you.

When people trust you to be nice, they will be more willing to repeat these conflicts (in good ways). When they know they can ask for what they want and work together with you to make decisions, they will be committed to the decisions you make. Yeah, it takes longer, but you win a partner instead of a servant.

If you want to develop commitment in yourself or in your relationships, learn how to engage in difficult conflict.