Creative Breakup Ideas, lLama Style

Figuring out how to break up with someone is hard. You want to distinguish yourself, stand out from the crowd, or else they might not remember dating you at all. Email, texting, Facebook, IM, Twitter, telling them directly, all these have all been grossly over-used.

Never fear. The lLama is here, providing 10 fabulous ideas for how to make sure your about-to-be-ex never forgets you.

1. Twenty Questions. Inform them you have something you to tell them, but they have to guess. Refuse to stop playing until they figure it out.
2. Treasure Hunt. Leave a clue on her doorstep, directing her to a place where you shared a romantic evening early in the relationship. Lead her through a series of clues to more and more romantic places. The last clue directs her back home, where she finds the “treasure”: a beautifully wrapped box sitting on her bed. Inside the box is a jumbled mess of duck kidneys, pig brains, cow stomachs, a goat liver, and maybe some ground beef mixed in for effect. Atop the mess, leave a note: “I hate your guts. Let’s break up!”
3. The Rebus. Gather all the objects of sentimental value they’ve left at your place: a U of U sweatshirt, the bike tire, the “Bee Mine” stuffed animal he gave you for Valentine’s, the bouquet of irises on your table, etc. Make a breakup rebus for him to find: [Irises]-rises [Bee] [Tire]+d of [U]!
4. The Breakup Ballad. Rewrite “your song” (the one that reminds you of each other); personalize the words to express why you can’t stand her any longer. Throw pebbles at her window late at night. When she opens up, sing it to her at the top of your lungs. If you play an instrument (even the kazoo) this will add greatly to the effect.

1. Reverse Moves. Re-create the date where you first kissed her or held her hand. But in reverse. Start with the kiss. Then put more and more distance between you, until at the end you have returned to being just friends.
2. The Replacement. Introduce him to your new boyfriend. The rest is obvious.
3. Tag Team Breakup. Enlist your roommate’s help filling in the awkward silences during the breakup conversation. This works especially well if your roommate is a professional comedian or just started a new relationship. Better yet, find a newlywed couple (the lovey, cuddly kind) and have them sit in, offering their wisdom on why you two are no good for each other.
4. Awkward Road Trip. Take her to meet your family or to another distant location. Just before arriving, spill the beans. This leaves you with a long, awkward drive back, which will help you both get used to the idea of being just friends.
5. Blind Date Bait-and-Switch. Getting to the next date is sometimes the hardest part of breaking up. Set him up for success as you walk away. Ask him to a fun event. Ask your cousin if she wants to go on a blind date. When he arrives to pick you up, inform the man that you’re breaking up with him, but you’ve already got him a quality replacement. Proudly present your cousin.
6. Happily Never After. Tour the Salt Lake temple grounds at night. As you walk around, reminisce about all the great times you’ve had together. Talk about your dreams for the future and the importance of eternal marriage. When you arrive at The Pedestal, tell her, “Eternity is a long time; too long to spend with you.”