“There’s only one kind of woman.” Relationship lessons from Captain James T. Kirk

In the annals of future-history (circa 2360), one man stands as a beacon to men in all ages, an icon of successful ladying that every man tries to emulate. I speak, of course, of Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise.

From my own thoughtful study of the man, I submit the lessons he’s taught me about how to love a woman.

• Every woman you want also wants you. Boldly go, etc.

• Being full of yourself is hot (see example).

• Power is also hot. Feigning indifference to your power is even hotter. Sit in the center chair and slouch.
• Even cheesy pickup lines sound great when your hair is perfect.
• Having already kissed a hundred women will not bother the hundred-and first woman.
• If you step close and look charming, every woman will be overcome with an uncontrollable need to kiss you passionately (see example below).
  

  Works every time

• Women destined for romance always wear something “special.” Women not scripted for romance wear one-piece jumpsuits.
• Everything a woman says is an opportunity to either a) deliver smarmy pickup lines or b) unnecessarily risk your life exacerbating problems she could have solved on her own.
• Solve all her problems with a fistfight. Every punch you throw should be a roundhouse.
• Never ask a women questions or show interest in her as a person. Knowing her before kissing is unnecessary. In fact, knowing her ever is unnecessary.
• Blue women are hotter than white women.
• Starting something is fun. Maintaining it later is tedious. Only put the moves on women who are dying, bound for prison, or part of a plot to kill you.
• Play dress up with her, especially using her clothes. Strange, but true. Captain Kirk has employed this tactic over and over and over again with great success.
• When your woman starts telling you about her emotional or health issues, stop her and state emphatically, “I’m your captain, not a doctor.”

Finally, here we have 14 seconds of the master’s best work: