What Every Crazy, Busy, Selfish, Fat, Ugly, Confused, Noncommittal, Unlucky Son-of-a-Gun Needs to Read (it will fix your life)

I just read the journalism equivalent of a cat fight. One lady wrote an article about why other women can’t get married. The other woman was offended. It was great. The first was an expert, because she’d been married three times. The other whined about being unlucky and having daddy issues.

My heart bleeds for you both. Here’s why you’re really single:

There’s something wrong with you

Some people have trouble with that last pronoun, so I’ll make it easy. Get a mirror. Look in it. There’s your problem. If you date jerks, it’s your own fault. There are MILLIONS of available men. A lot of them are handsome, fun, and treat girls well. And they’re getting married (2 million in the US last year). Which is more likely, that you have a problem or that millions of men can’t comprehend your perfections?

A friend of mine routinely complains to me about the men in her life. They lead her on and then ignore her. They love her and leave her. They’re ignorant and inconsiderate and gross and……This girl is schizophrenic and refuses meds. Her last boyfriend was imaginary. Literally imaginary. HELLO! YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!

Your life is full

Oh my gosh, I’d rather slit my wrists than fall in love with you. You’re successful and active and happy and completely preoccupied. Success fills the space you used to leave open for a person, and you’ve forgotten the joy someone could bring into your life.

A dozen guys want to date you. Five of them are currently trying. One of them would cut off his left arm if you could remember his name. You are happy in a world of post-Twilight, Prozac girls. Good guys flock to your happiness like moths to a porch light, but you don’t have time for them.

You are selfish

“Selfish” is pronounced “still a teenager.” Only pedophiles and morons want a teenager. Fixating on your own needs disenchants every Mr. Darcy who comes along. Smart guys know that selfishness is relationship cyanide. Great guys wish they could tend to your needs for you (not with you).

If you’re annoyed with talkative people, you’re selfish. If you need a private room (or apartment) to be happy, you’re selfish. If you want a boyfriend but don’t want him to propose, you’re selfish. The single life is the selfish life, a world revolving around you. The longer you remain single, the easier it is for your heart to crust over with selfishness. It’s not helping you get married.

You don’t look so great*

At the grocery store, smashed boxes sell last. Wanting an attractive package is natural, even when we’re more interested in the contents. Companies spend millions of dollars designing packaging that will attract your eye and promise good things inside, because it works. All the companies selling brown boxes labeled “Good Crackers” went out of business.

Lots of girls tell me, “I don’t need makeup to feel good about myself.” I’m happy for you. Now show other people that you feel good about yourself. More often than not, the girls who tell me they don’t care are lying: they are giving up because they’re never satisfied with their appearance anyway. So long as you hate yourself, you’ll never look great. Even if you try.

You don’t like the guys you want

Girls tell me they want a guy who is considerate, thoughtful, romantic, funny, spiritual, a good listener, blah blah blah. But when you tell me why you don’t like a guy, you never say, “He’s not spiritual.” You critique is height, clothes, major, family, laugh, date activities, anything but your list. In short, you have a list, but it’s not your real list.

The disparity between what you want and what you’re attracted to keeps you single. You might have to swallow your fashion sense to discover that Shorts Boy is really Prince Charming. But if you want to get married to a good guy, who cares about a few quirks? He’ll certainly be gagging down a few of yours.

You don’t want it enough

Oh, you say you want marriage, but when push comes to shove, you choose not to get married. You want grades or parental approval or fun with girlfriends or an orphanage in Haiti or a better man. You choose to other things.

Getting married is easy: LA is full of crazy homeless bums who would LOVE to marry you. Wanting them is the hard part. When you reject someone, you choose to stay single. It’s usually a smart choice, but it’s still your choice, not fate or luck.

Take luck…

Crazy, broken, selfish, fat, ugly, noncommital people get married all the time. A lot of these misfit toys are even happy. But let’s face it: all of us are a little crazy, a little broken, a little ugly, a little shy. Fixing your own issues improves your ability to attract and handle a relationship, but life doesn’t owe you anything. After you’ve done everything, you still have to get lucky.

But you can multiply your luck. Kevin Durrant is the NBA’s top scorer, but only because he takes more shots than anyone. If you want to get lucky, increase your opportunities. Go to parties. Make new friends. Talk to everyone, even on the bus. Let guys flirt with you, even creepy guys**. Join eHarmony for crying out loud, just don’t stay in your apartment chilling with the roommies. Your roommates aren’t going to ask you out. Go find people who might. The more people you know, the better your chances.

Of course, none of this really matters. You should keep doing exactly what you’ve always done. Be true to yourself! Live your own life! People should love and accept you as you are, right? If the fat, ugly, weird people can do it, so can you. Your time will come. Maybe.

*Please don’t get plastic surgery or start barfing up your lunch. I wrote a whole article about how beautiful you are. Most of you look stunning when you take 15 minutes (just 15!) to get ready in the morning. If your contents are magnificent, a little bit of trying goes a long way.

**FYI: When I see a creepy guy hitting on a pretty girl, and she’s taking it well, I’ll always jump in and save her. There is no opening so golden as being “the other guy” to a total creeper. It’s a modern damsel in distress, which makes me a knight in shining armor.