What She DOESN’T want for Christmas: a holiday shopping guide for bros
As Christmas approaches, I feel a sense of concern for my fellow men. Some of your are totally clueless, and if someone doesn’t set you on the strait and narrow before the 25th, you’re going to be in for a world of hurt.
I refer, of course, to your taste in Christmas gifts. Far too many of you don’t understand that girls don’t open gifts; girls interpret gifts. You might think a tauntaun sleeping bag is cool, but she’ll take one look and ask herself: “Does he think I’m a nerd? Maybe he’s making fun of me. But I actually do think it’s funny. Maybe…maybe I am too much of a nerd…” And just like that, your gift has backfired.
Before you hunt for a gift, you need a firm grasp of what NOT to get her:
#10: Breath mints. Holy cow, please tell me you didn’t slip these into her stocking. Hopefully this is obvious, because breath mints are #10 to make you understand just how bad these other gifts really are. If you don’t know what’s wrong with breath mints, you should probably pretend you forgot Christmas. I’ve tried it both ways and trust me, it’s easier to recover from no gift at all.
#9: Caffeinated anything. Doesn’t matter if it’s funny. Doesn’t matter if you are caffeine addicts together. Doesn’t matter if it’s an inside joke. Sooner or later, she’ll look at the caffeine and wonder, “Maybe he thinks I’m not exciting…”
#8: Flowers. Bouquets are everyday gestures or for special dates. Flowers will not be accepted as a “gift” because they are part of your normal obligation to her. You might not remember agreeing to that, but you apparently did. Give her flowers on Christmas, even diamond-studded roses, and she’ll think you’re trying to not get her anything. (Even better, leave yellow flowers on her doorstep. They’ll make her cry. I dare you.)
#7: Special dates. Like flowers, she expects you to do this just because. Give her a “romantic evening for us,” and it translates to no gift at all. Even if it’s her favorite place, even if you can’t afford it, even if you try hard, you just can’t win here.
#6: Stuffed animals. Please, are we back in junior high? You’re embarrassing me, man.
#5: Clothing, especially in her size. Oh my word, getting her size right is about the worst gift imaginable. You see, women expect gift clothing to be several sizes too small and have a receipt so they can return it and buy whatever they want. When you get the right size, she’s left asking herself, “How fat does he really think I am?” Size 7 might sound small to you, but she’ll be horribly offended.
#4: Gift cards. To you, this looks the same as clothing+receipt, except that it saves her the trouble of standing in a returns line. Brilliant. But to her, it’s an admission that you couldn’t find anything she would like. Women don’t want to feel hard-to-please, even if they are.
#3: Gifts for yourself, such as perfume, framed photos of yourself, lingerie, etc. The purpose of a gift is to make her happy, not you. Learn the difference.
#2: Cosmetics, hair dye, creams, ointments, “rejuvenators,” wrinkle reducers, etc. Even if you got her something she desperately wanted, even if it was expensive, even if it looks great on her, this is a fail. Your girl might slather it on with a paint roller, but she wants you to pretend she looks that way naturally. At heart, all women are anti-cosmetics, and so they use cosmetics to try to make you believe they look that way naturally. Confusing, isn’t it? I’ll keep it simple: Pretend she doesn’t wear makeup, even if she looks like Cher.
#1: A ring. You think getting engaged will magnify your favorite holiday, but don’t. Seriously, don’t. I know, you went crazy and spent $8,000 on it, and that should count for something, but it doesn’t. Let Christmas be Christmas. You’d be better off getting her a puppy now and a RingPop next week. All my ex-wives agree.
And there you have it. Don’t send me questions about what you should get her, because I haven’t a clue. Faced with the task of buying gifts for a girl, I always find myself breaking up with her instead.
So, if you find something that works, be a pal and let the rest of us know.
umm… I actually want the Tauntaun Sleeping Bag… It’s kind of amazing. If a guy got me that, I would know that 1) he loves me; 2) he knows me well; and 3) he embraces the fact that I am a bit nerdy (or geeky, depending on your definition). That’d be the mark of a keeper.
But that’s just me.
December 9, 2011 at 12:00 am
I agree. I was just dying to find a way to fit that (and the mana potions) into this post.
December 9, 2011 at 12:13 am
hehehe oh Llama. You cracketh me up continually. I, a female, generally agree with this list. I never want flowers as a gift…I was going to say more about what girls want, but come to think of it, I haven’t gotten a formal gift from a guy in…a year and a half, so I’ve mostly forgotten to think of gifts at all. I don’t even usually know what I want for Christmas in general/from anyone, let alone a man. Probably something to use in the kitchen, because I love kitchen gadgets.
Maybe the men can learn from Ariel, the little mermaid. She had gadgets and gizmos of plenty, whozits and whatzits galore, but she wanted more. I trust that most girls don’t really want more thingzits of any kind. We want to be known, appreciated and recognized, just like anyone else, really. If that comes in the form of a gadget, so be it; if it’s selected with the right thought and care, then the thing represents knowing, appreciation and recognition. Perhaps for me that might be something that reminds him of me b/c he knows I love it/it makes me happy…like zebra pens and a journal with a poem he wrote himself on the first page. Now that would be a great gift in my mind
I’m glad you’re not swamped with finals studying so that you can sprinkle us with so much wisdom, Llama. It’s a great means of distraction.
December 9, 2011 at 12:31 am
Your safest bet is to put thought into it. Good point about girl’s interpreting gifts rather than receiving them. Brilliantly stated. I once got a gift card from a guy and was impressed beyond belief with it. It was to a bookstore that had a product I had casually mentioned only once in his presence, so he went to go buy that. Except it was more than he intended to spend (I hadn’t known how much it was and he knew I didn’t like having exuberant amounts of money spent on me) so he got me a gift card to go toward the purchase.
I also got a gift that one would think would be brilliant, if not perfect. To be fair, it would have if I had opened it instead of interpreted it. It was something big and nice, but he had just friend-zoned me and knew I detest being doted upon with gifts. He tried to make it better by saying that it would benefit him in some ways, as well. Back.fire.
December 9, 2011 at 9:49 am
Yeah, your comments illustrate the topic perfectly. There are some things you don’t get a girl, some things you could.
Personally, I’d rather my gifts be taken more at face value and with appreciation. I don’t like the whole “I give you a gift and then you get to decide if it’s good enough or not” thing.
Everyone likes to feel special, but I hate giving gifts. There’s no way to win, because even if I get a “win” gift now, that’s the new standard I have to meet or beat in the future. I’m either racing to keep up with expectations or racing to outdo myself. :p
December 9, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I had been telling my husband for over a year how much I love kayaks and wanted some to play with. For my birthday my husband bought me 2 kayaks. I was sad he didn’t know that last minute I inwardly changed my mind and wanted a road bike more than kayaks. Sorry men, you just can’t win.
Hopefully she’s cool enough to know how insane she really is and how hard you worked to get her the best present.
December 9, 2011 at 1:05 pm
APPROVE! At least if a girl knows she’s hard to please and is still easygoing/humorous about it…at least then it’s still fun to keep trying.
December 9, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Tip: Call her family. Best yet, if she has a sister, call her. Even if they don’t know, they can snoop and find out for you.
But don’t call one of her girlfriends. It might get awkward if she sees their number on your phones call history and starts interpreting THAT.
January 11, 2012 at 12:58 am
Oh gosh. I can see this going wrong in so many ways…
January 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm