I don’t want to be your friend
This week, everybody has been talking about a video made at USU: Why Men and Women Can’t Be Friends. A million views in a week. Does the Llama have thoughts on the subject? Why yes, yes I do.
Let’s imagine a quintessential ”let’s be friends” situation from the male perspective (though it happens just as much in the reverse):
Guy likes pretty Girl. So he tries to curry the girl’s interest, talking to her, listening to her problems or hopes or dreams, offering encouragement and comfort, being there for her. But he instinctively knows she’s holding back. So he tries to keep it slow. She’s gradually coming around. She wouldn’t spend this kind of time if she weren’t interested. She wouldn’t touch him or smile like that if she didn’t have feelings too, right?
Girl isn’t stupid. She knows he has feelings, and she likes him–she really does–but not in “that” way. And yet, she appreciates how sensitive and patient and thoughtful he is. Nobody else listens to her the way he does, and she needs that in her life right now. She can see that he gets discourage with her sometimes, so she gives him an extra smile, an occasional fond touch (just as friends), and confides in him. Because she wants him to know how much she appreciates his friendship.
This is going to end badly. Sooner or later, his patience will run out or she will find a manflesh. Then she’ll pull the ” just friends” card as an exit strategy:
“Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I really appreciate it, and I hope that John doesn’t come between us, that we’ll just still be friends.”
“Yeah, of course.” Translation: Yes, I’d be overjoyed to “just” be your friend. That’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. Excuse me while I go cry in the corner.
Seriously, Girl, what did you expect? You led the poor boy on, trying to reap the benefits of a relationship without paying for it. Of course he was your best friend, because he was treating you like a girlfriend. You knew exactly what was going on–and that it would never happen–but you allowed him to continue believing in an impossible future. You gave someone false hope so that they would give you what you wanted. That’s the definition of using someone. Do you think “friends” will be a great consolation prize? If you can only make friendships with people who do all the work for you, you’re a pretty cruddy friend.
Your Guy doesn’t want to be your “just” friend, and you’ve always known it. Your “friendship” up to this point has been built on an uneven foundation of mismatched hopes and desires, and you carry the blame.
It’s your move. They put their heart on the line, and you abused that. If you’re serious about a friendship, prove it. The only way forward is to kill the old friendship–along with hope and desire–and bring it back to life. You’ll have to start from scratch. Acknowledge your faults. Clarify your intentions and define the friendship. Go out of your way to make it work. Include them. Be there for them the way they were there for you before. Become reliable and stable. And don’t shrink away from them like shadows shrinks from the rising sun.
And then, with the honesty, trust, and openness between you, you can be friends. You can even be just friends.
Whether or not guys and girls can be friends isn’t dictated by laws of the Universe, it’s a reflection of you.
Amen bruthah.
I don’t know if the onus is necessarily on the girl in this situation, because the truth is the guy took the risk. He knew there was no guarantee. I think he’s accountable for that. We make assumptions all the time, like “touch/time means she must like me too” etc. But we can’t ever really be sure until the person states it themselves (even then, people say what they think, not what may actually be true within, etc.). I guess you can declare your feelings in a lot of ways.
You bring up a lot of really good points, though- about using each other. I think we should all increase our awareness of how we use each other. I think people would, if honestly made to confront what their impetus is, more ethically handle relations with each other if an awareness of that increased. Using would decline, i think.
December 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm
I don’t think it is just a girl thing, is it? Guys have been in the “using” business for a long, long time, they just tend to not keep it on a friendship level while they do it.
I do think that a lot of girls (me included, many years ago) have guys that really are “just friends”. I was taken aback when a great guy friend of mine asked how I felt about him. At that very moment I thought , “Oh crap!” because I had never thought about him like that. He hadn’t ever tried to hold my hand or put his arm around me, we just talked, sometimes about the girl he liked and the guy I liked (but both of them were “moving on” from us).
I think many times it boils down to the mixed messages, like us talking about this ex’s that we’d like to have back, like no true dating, only hanging out, and no “moves” being made.
I’m just glad that I don’t have to try to decipher subtle messages anymore to figure out if that special guy likes me back. It truly is a pain.
December 10, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Firstly, I agree with Melody’s comment a lot.
Secondly, I just want to add that it’s also painful to see another girl using a guy that you like in this sort of way. It pretty much guarantees that he will be distracted and not really aware of your attention, while holding on to something that will never happen. It’s very frustrating to observe, and there’s very little one can do about it.
December 11, 2011 at 12:14 am
False hope is, in my opinion, worse than no hope at all.
Having been on one side and possibly soon being on the other, I have to say this has been wonderfully written.
December 12, 2011 at 9:21 am
I think whether or not you see yourself as getting ‘used’ all the time has a lot to do with whether or not you are constantly trying to form relationships with people who are out of your league.
December 14, 2011 at 11:41 am
I don’t believe in “out of your league.” That implies an impartial scale on which you can place people. But since what people want is purely subjective (as is what people are attracted to), there is no league. There is only you and what you want.
Now, wanting someone who isn’t likely to be attracted to the type of person you are, that will cause you problems.
December 15, 2011 at 10:36 am
I think there’s a loose objective scale of attractiveness (consider the website hotornot.com, for example, imperfect as it may be). Consider that about 15% of women manage to get about 85% of the attention from men. It’s naive to ignore the fact that different people have widely varying degrees of success with the opposite sex.
January 2, 2012 at 12:52 am
Llama,
You are right! There are some girls I’ve met who deserve a proper dressing down like this. BUT, the vixen who deliberately strings guys along is the exception (and not likely to listen to something like this anyway).
Yes, there is a middle group who tiptoes in the middle, modest in every way (including physical touch), conscious of feelings but enjoying the heady benefits of sincere attention. I can’t tell you how many times I was drawn into a girl huddle where some young lady was asking “what do I do? How do I not hurt feelings?”. (My advice was always be totally honest; unfortunately, I was frequently outvoted.)
This is not counting the group on the other end of the spectrum: young ladies who do not yet realize that they’ve stepped into the dating and courtship game. Which innocent vitality frequently seems to make them all the more irresistible.
Your advice and insight is needed (and wanted!) by many young ladies. But please remember two things when you give it.
1) Consciousness needs to come first. But even consciousness of WHAT to do does not constitute knowledge of HOW to do it. For instance, telling a guy you aren’t interested in the long term, and they acknowledge it. But the “maybe she’ll change her mind” factor, lingers. Also, the flattering effects of continuing attention and knowing the high stakes (the other person’s strong feelings) is muddling. When we first learn to be conscious of others daily feelings as a toddler, we aren’t generally very good at it; its learned, with trial and error and (hopefully) with gentle coaching. When the dating and courtship game comes around, it is a whole new level that I’ve seen even knock the most conscientious of people off of their feet (guys and gals). There will be trial and error, with all of the regrettable consequences. It comes down to maturity AND experience. Remember, even very mature young ladies are unlikely to have your experience in this if they are 5 years younger than you. It is something they will have to grow in to for themselves.
2) Many of the young ladies whom you are addressing have a high guilt quotient and often already feel vulnerable in their confusion and mistakes here (present and past).
So please DO coach! But could you do it a little more gently?
January 11, 2012 at 12:43 am
It’s not just girls who do the leading-on. I’ve known guys who were terrible about this.
And I’m not coaching. I’m sketching a culture.
January 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm