Shave the ‘Stache

I can no longer shackle myself with silence. The indignity of the injustice you’re inflicting on an innocent world is too much, and I cannot bear it with decorum any longer. And so in the name of humanity and for the love of all things beautiful, I demand that you shave your stupid mustache!

No, it isn’t sexy. No, it isn’t cute. The only thing taking a ride on your mustache is yesterday’s breakfast. It’s time to grow up, put on your big-boy pants, and shave it off! If you won’t, we will. With dull scissors. And sand paper.

Sure, every guy goes through that phase where he sports a mustache, just to demonstrate that he has sufficient testosterone to promote folical growth. This produces the nasty scraggle-stache, which is the reason you haven’t been kissed since kindergarten. Most of us outgrew the scraggle-stache in high school. If you’re only just getting your testosterone-hair, then you need to shave, times two.

Later in life, some guys grow a full-bodied ‘stache, because they think it’s funny. There’s nothing funny about it. Whether you have a Dread Pirate Roberts ‘stache or a bush growing out of your face, you just look embarrassing.

Ladies, I’m afraid you’re not off the hook on this. There is no imaginable reason why you should be sporting a mustache. If you have one, I’m terribly sorry, but for your own good it must go. Today.

A friend of mine, we’ll call him W., told me about the Mustache Girlfriend. He cared about her. She was beautiful. She was all sorts of wonderful things. Every time he went to kiss her, he said, the sight of her mustache/goatee combo would nearly make him gag. They didn’t last long.

Say what you will about Mr. W. (and that’s not short for Wickham), but he’s got a point: nobody wants to kiss the ‘stache.

In case you aren’t convinced yet, here are a few scrumptious examples of mustaches you should not have. Ever. If you wouldn’t want people taking pictures and posting them on the Internet, it shouldn’t be growing out of your face: