Cooking, and other life skills
I had an epiphany this week. It hit while I was making ratatouille: “By Jove,” I said, sauteing diced eggplant, “I do believe I deserve a wife who can cook.” I’d never really thought about this before. A wife who can cook and clean and do laundry? I want me one of those!
Only twice have girlfriends ever cooked for me. One microwaved a bowl of Campbell’s soup when I was sick. The other cooked chicken (not chicken with vegetables and a starch, just chicken). Not that I’m keeping score or anything. I only realized this when my friend told me stories about food she’d made her boyfriend. It was like she was talking about her recent trip to Mars. This exists? I can get a woman who will cook for me?
Already I hear the feminists’ battle cry: “Male chauvinist! If you want some food, go make it yourself!” And actually, I do. I’ve been cooking since I was 7. I’ve been doing my own laundry, mending, and ironing since I was 8. As second of ten kids, I’ve changed more diapers than the average American woman. I’ve made more dinners for more girls than I can remember. And we’re not talking chili mac. So go ahead. Call me a chauvinist. See if I care.
Everyone talks about those pathetic single guys who still live at home, waiting for mommy to cook dinner and wash their laundry for them. Or the college guys who eat cold cereal 7 days per week and wield Febreeze as if it replaced a washing machine. Seriously, are you even potty trained? It’s time to put on your big boy pants and become an adult.
But it’s like we’re not allowed to talk about the girls who live approximately the same lifestyle.
An ex-girlfriend of mine didn’t know how to wash laundry. Like, she wasn’t even sure which bottle was soap. So we had a laundry date, and I taught her the basics. But then her mom found out. Holy Fourth of July! The woman threw a fit. Wouldn’t talk to her daughter, slamming doors, the whole kabootle. Turns out her mom had done laundry for all the other kids, all through college. They would tote 6 weeks of dirty laundry home to have mom wash it. And that’s how mom liked it. Really, I’m not kidding.
But if you’re planning on living like an independent adult, if you’re planning on getting married, if you’re hoping to make babies…don’t you think you should get some adult/marriage/baby-feeding skills? Two generations ago, this wasn’t considered optional. Why are we different? If you can’t clean up after yourself, make your own food, and spend less than you earn, why should we pretend you’re part of the adult club?
The essence of chauvinism is expecting someone else do for you what you wouldn’t do for yourself. But I gladly cook for myself and others. And this week I realized I want a woman who can do the same. I’m not looking for a servant, just an equal partner.
All this brings me to a realization about my mom: She taught me reading, writing, my colors, my numbers, how to cook, follow instructions, clean up after myself, wash laundry, manage a budget, shop for food, be angry and then forgive, tend a garden, mow the lawn, sanitize a toilet, change a diaper, wash glass without leaving streaks. And when I was still too childish to do it all myself, she stepped in and was quietly the mommy who cooks, folds, and cleans for her boy. Really, it’s because of her that I have the skills and experience to claim my spot at the adult table. It’s because of her that I can honestly say, I deserve a partner with life skills.
Because there’s something golden about what my mom did for me, and I want my kids to have that.
Why did it take me so long to realize I want a girl who can cook?
Gosh, what a fun and dead-on article! But will you get any female replies? (… except from your mother or job applicants…) This should be interesting to watch…
January 19, 2012 at 8:33 am
Female replying…
Excellent post. I have a friend whose family consists of 9 daughters. Her dad taught them how to mow the lawn, fix the toilet, change the oil, etc. Her motto became “I /can/ do it, but I shouldn’t have to.” I’m not blind enough to think that only works one way.
Some of my most enjoyable dates have been cooking or baking together. Once, I even made Easter dinner for my man of the hour and five others with only some day-before help from my sister. And actually surprised myself by enjoying it!
See, growing up a latch-key kid on a babysitter diet of Spaghetti-O’s and corndogs, I bragged about being “Master of the Microwave.” The little homebound culinary knowledge my parents had wasn’t shared with me, so I made do. But I will still brag about the killer grilled cheese sandwiches I can make without dirtying a dish, which was also an essential skill because there still isn’t a dishwasher in my childhood home. (And no, it doesn’t involve an iron.)
Now that I’m an adult, I share recipes and cooking tips with my dad. Just the other day, he was telling me cooking wasn’t a skill he realized he had until he had to cook for himself. We still don’t belong to the made-from-scratch club, but we don’t do too bad utilizing the boxed stuff and give credit where credit is due. In fact, one of my favorite things to do was taking the servings of macaroni-and-cheese (alfredo and shells) that my employer could no longer sell and mixing in a white meat (tuna or chicken) and peas. Hardly homemade, but still better than Chef Boyardee.
January 19, 2012 at 9:10 am
Seashmore, once again I must bow to your excellence and pragmatism.
One thing I did not mention is that my mom also had to come by many of these skills on her own. I’ve known a lot of guys and girls in the same situation who, upon leaving home, decide to get skills. And I respect that.
January 19, 2012 at 10:27 am
So, it sounds like you haven’t been dating the countless BYU girls, study-buddies, neighbors, single’s ward pals, friends, sister’s roommates etc. who have baked you cookies, shared their meals with you, left secret brownies on your door step, and otherwise cooked or fed you. This is a wonderful discovery! Your single problem has been solved! You have been surrounded by opportunities to date a cooking woman, but because that one trait was not top priority on your list, you may have failed to recognize the woman of your dreams!!! From now on, if girl bakes you brownies, you should think about taking her out.
January 19, 2012 at 9:10 am
Hot Mama,
I had a girl make me a loaf of bread once, but aside from that awkward experience I also have yet to experience the mythical “signing bonus”.
I HAVE had plenty of dates where I cooked with a girl. But those have never become relationships and are stories for another post. Remind me sometime to tell you about the Twice-baked-potato girl…
January 19, 2012 at 10:23 am
Have you notice you kind of take over while cooking? Maybe more girls would cook for you if you let them
great post though. I want to be able to teach my children the life skills they will need as an adult.
However, I think there’s something to be said for spoiling your kids a little too. My mom made me a lunch every school day since I was in first grade til the day I moved out of the house. She didn’t make me a lunch because I didn’t know how to, she did it because it was one of the many ways she told me she loved me. Same with doing my laundry. I didn’t start doing my own laundry until I graduated from high school. When the time came that I needed to learn how to be on my own and take care of myself, she made sure that I wouldn’t destroy and washers or dryers in the process. A lot of people I talk to think it’s ridiculous that my mom did these things for me for so long. They see it as a bad thing while I see it as my mom letting me know she loved me. She sacrificed her time to do things for me so I would have more time to do what I wanted to do. I want to do that for my children too.
So don’t bash the mothers who do everything for the kids too much. Just because it’s different and not how you would do things doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
January 19, 2012 at 12:02 pm
yup, gotta admit, this is often a deal-breaker for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t date a girl for a long time and then say “What?! You can’t cook?!”. I figure things out early on and decide whether or not to pursue. The two things I most prize in a woman are intelligence and creativity. My wife, for example, was extremely intelligent, but also was daring in her cooking, with much success. She didn’t know ‘how’ to cook (a phrase she often attributed favorably to me), but she had a natural talent for just feeling her way in the kitchen. I really lucked out.
Now that I’ll be dating again, I can’t help but look for these same qualities as necessities for a cordial and lasting relationship. If they aren’t present, I just can’t muster any interest. For the human (male or female) that doesn’t know how to cook (not to be confused with a human that merely lacks ability in the culinary arts) is often plagued by other, deeper, undesirable character traits.
January 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Ugh, there’s a deeper problem going on if your women “can’t cook.” People say “I can’t” all the time. They’re either lazy, super self conscious, or have a wacko family life (unfortunately you’ve discovered the latter scenario already).
Unless you’re a quadriplegic you can learn a skill. Remember that mom that was all over the news who was a paraplegic who drives, cooks, changes diapers — all with her feet? I saw her at Target once, signing a check — with her feet! She only had 2 limbs, and she used them!
This is a video of her, she totally cooks in it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQVBdSkSUxk&feature=related
There’s a difference between saying “I want a woman who can perform or learn a skill — a life skill” and “I need someone who’s ultra talented at cooking and I won’t settle for anything less!!!!!!!!!”
In the words of a wise woman (Eliza R. Snow?) “Women should be women, not babies that need petting and correction all the time.”
I support your pursuit for a truly adult woman.
January 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm